Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Reposted from Facebook.
Disclaimer. I don’t own this piece and has not verified the truth behind the health related concerns.

1.) Kung ikaw si Batman, sino ang bahala sa’yo? Give 3 examples.

2.) Alin and mas malaki? BAG NI DORA o BULSA NI DORAEMON? Ipaliwanag

3.) Sino kumagat sa logo ng Apple, at bakit hindi nya ito inubos?

4.) Kung may UPCAT, bakit walang UPDOG? Elaborate.

5.) Sa produktong Crayola, ano ang pinagkaiba ng yellow green sa green yellow? Explain using logarithmic functions.

6.) Kung ang 1 kg ay may 1000 grams, ilang grams naman ang meron sa Instagram? Show your solution.

7.) Kung sa Kasaysayan ng Pilipinas may “Panahon ng Amerikano, Hapon, Kastila at Pre-Colonial”, kalian naman ang Panahon ng Kopong-kopong?

8.) If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, bakit sila nagpunta sa Earth?

9.) Should you give up or should you just keep chasing pavements? Expound.

10.) Ano ang meron kay Brand X at galit na galit ang ibang brands sa kanya? Explain.

11.) Masasabi mo bang fair ang Ms. Universe kung lahat ng contestants at judges ay galling sa Earth? Explain.

12.) Gaano kataas ang lipad ng Whisper with wings? Graph your solution.

13.) Kung walang kamay ang mga ibon, then why do birds suddenly APIR? Ipaliwanag.

14.) Sabi ng ilan, napuntahan na nila ang lahat ng sulok ng mundo. Paano nila nasabi na may “sulok” ang mundo gayong Oblate Spheroid naman ang hugis nito? Explain and draw your answer on a ¼ sheet of graphing paper.

15.) May nalunod na ba sa lalim ng gabi? Kung meron, enumerate.

16.) Bakit ang tawag sa “building” ay building kung tapos na sya? Justify.

17.) Gaano kadalas ang minsan? Enumerate.

18.) How did Adele set fire to the rain? Write the chemical formula.

19.) Kapag ang ipis nahulog sa tubig na may sabon, dudumi ba ang tubig o lilinis ang ipis?

20.) Bakit pababa nang pababa ang spaghetti? Explicate using Newton’s Law of Gravitation.

21.) Does the moonlight shine on Paris after the sun goes down?

22.) If the London bridge is falling would anybody hear a sound? Explain using Inverse Square Law of Sound.

23.) Kung ang nakatusok na baboy ay barbecue, ang nakatusok na saging ay bananacue, bakit ang kabayo, carousel?

24.) Ilan ang butas ng isang cracker ng skyflakes? Illustrate.

25.) Nauuhaw din ba ang mga isda? Ipaliwanag.

26.) Bakit pag rush hour tsaka mabagal ang daloy ng trapiko? Explain your answer using sign language.

27.) Nasaan ang Edge of Glory? Write your final answer in nautical miles.

28.) In 140 characters, ibuod ang talambuhay ni Jose Rizal.

29.) Ang breakfast ba at dinner, pwedeng ilagay sa lunchbox? Prove your answer.

30.) Kung si Corazon ang unang aswang, pang ilan ka?

HAHAHA.